How Everyone's Favorite Tita Taught Me How To Live
Underneath the comedy and lip-sync artistry lies a life lesson for all.
Trigger warning: Depression, suicide
It was a Thursday night. I was just in my initial stages of applying my make-up when suddenly voices in my head began to whisper thoughts I was tired of hearing.
“You are worthless.”
“Everyone hates you.”
“Just end it. No one cares.”
I was about to draw my eyebrows (one of the processes in drag make-up that I always dread doing) when I suddenly caught myself just staring at the mirror, make-up brush on my right hand, and thinking long and hard about how right those thoughts were.
I stopped mid-make-up, having no idea what to do next. Should I just erase everything on my face, lie down, and have a long cry? Should I just wallow in the self-pity and think that everyone really despises my entire being? Should I take their advice and just end it all?
Miraculously, since I had a brand new styled wig and wanted to see how it looked like on me with make-up on, I decided to push through, setting aside all the dark thoughts to see the beauty that is my drag persona in an on-brand 50’s victory roll. Thank goodness I did because I looked absolutely stunning.
That was only one of the several times my mental health problems took a toll on me during October this year. I consider that month hell because a lot of factors really came in that stomped on my mental stability and really had me beat.
I really thought everyone I love hated me, I thought I was a worthless human being, and I thought that I don’t bring anything good in this world. These were the thoughts that kept stomping on my brain—to the point where I actually attempted to end it all.
I stopped mid-attempt to cry and think how I still wanted to contribute many good things in this world, how I wanted to do more, be an inspiration to people struggling, and achieve a lot for myself.
Reflecting on everything that has happened before that, I was reminded of the mental health journey of Tita Baby, one of my all-time drag inspirations, who was a finalist in the third season of Drag Race Philippines (DRPH).
Famous for her viral comedic videos showcasing the “cariño brutal” Filipino aunt, Tita Baby showed a more vulnerable side in a few episodes of the series, which was a very nice surprise for me since I was often used to see her in her most confident, positive, and lighthearted form.
In DRPH season 3’s fourth episode, Tita Baby recalled of the time how she was planning to end her life at the age of 40 after feeling like she was a failure to her family, to her career, and herself. And when she discovered drag, it was the only time when she felt proud of herself.
“Doon lang ako naging proud sa sarili ko tapos may mga taong nagmamahal sa akin,” she told fellow contestant Popstar Bench. “Kaya pinaglalaban ko siya ‘yong pagiging drag queen ko kahit na matanda na ako. Pinaglalaban ko siya kasi ang daming kong taong napapakita ng pagkakataon na magkakaroon kayo ng pagkakataon [na] mga pangarap niyo naman ang matutupad.”
On the fifth episode of DRPH’s Untucked series, Tita Baby opened up about her and her boyfriend’s love story, on how he discovered her drag and has been her ultimate pillar of support ever since.
"I have failed so much in my past, and it’s f*cking tiring to fail over and over and over again,” she told her fellow contestants. “And then you find someone, one person, who switches that switch. It changes everything for you.”
Watching Tita Baby’s emotional moments on DRPH, I am reminded of why I started drag in the first place—because I want to use the art as a beacon of self-love for myself and for other people.
I wrote in a previous article how drag made me love what I see in the mirror but, honestly, I tend to forget that most of the time and always wallow in self-pity and self-hatred. But, Tita Baby served as a reminder that I am loved, in and out of drag, and I am worthy of life because I have so much to accomplish with my talents, whether it was in drag, writing, or any other talents I have. She also reminds me to surround myself with people who support me and who show their love for me because they will always bring out the best and good in me.
I met Tita Baby for the first time last April 2023 during Eva Le Queen’s Easter Drag Bingo. I was already a fan, but meeting her in the flesh and getting to know her even better after that made me one of her biggest supporters.
Every time I see her online or in every drag show I attend to, I am reminded of everything she taught me. I am reminded to not only continue fighting the demons in my head, but to also enjoy life as time passes by.
And I never fail to voice out how she always inspires me and how grateful I am that a queen like her motivates me to keep on living. In a recent meet and greet last Halloween, I briefly told her about my dark October and she gave me a big hug, which was something I needed to reinvigorate myself and face November and the rest of the months head on.
To anyone who is currently facing a dark road ahead, always remember that you are stronger than you think. You are loved, you are strong, and you will get through this. Just keep on fighting, keep on doing what you do best, and continue to spread love starting with yourself.